Myths about Male Sexuality

Throughout this program we debunk many myths about various aspects of sexuality.

This section looks at few of the myths that pertain specifically to male sexuality. It includes both information and some questions you may want to reflect upon, whether you're male or female.

The myths regarding male sexuality have been particularly tenacious because men have traditionally not talked about their sexual feelings and experiences honestly and openly with each other.

Our culture has perpetuated these myths and makes it difficult for men to admit to any lack of knowledge or experience, and this has lead to feelings of isolation and inadequacy for many men.

There have been positive signs recently that this is changing. The men's movement is beginning to redefine what it means to be a man, and qualities of gentleness, caring, and vulnerability are becoming more valued.

More men are beginning to discuss their sexuality more openly, and this can only benefit both the men themselves and their partners.

Before we move on to look at the myths, we want to recommend an excellent book: The New Male Sexuality by sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld, revised in 1999. It's a "must-read" for anyone who is male or cares about someone who is male (which pretty much everyone).

The myths cited here-and others-are explored in more detail in Zilbergeld's book.

Myth: Size matters.

Fact: We put this myth first because it's a very common concern for men. If you compare your penis with those of other men you see in the locker room or is porno films, you might conclude that yours isn't "good enough," that it's either too small or too large or not shaped "right."

The fact is that penises and testicles come in a variety of sizes and shapes. When they're not erect, penises appear to be quite different in size, but when they're erect their sizes are much more similar.

Since many men don't see each other's erect penises except in porno films where they're seeing actors hired on the basis of size and then enhanced through the miracles of filming, they really have no realistic basis for comparison. No wonder they may feel inadequate.

The size of your penis has nothing to do with how much pleasure you feel, and it had little effect on your partner's pleasure either.

In terms of vaginal intercourse, penis size matters very little, since only the outer third of the vagina is richly supplied with nerves and the clitoris is a woman's main organ of sexual pleasure anyway. In addition, the vagina is not an open tube to be filled up; it's more like a very elastic sleeve with the walls touching each other until an object moves them apart.

Because the rectum is much less elastic, a smaller penis may be advantageous in terms of anal sex.

How has the myth about penis size affected you? How do you feel about it after reading this section? What could you do to reduce this myth's impact on you?

Myth: Men are always ready and willing to have sex.

Fact: Even men who really love sex aren't always in the mood, and don't always want to get into the mood. Sometimes they just have other things on their minds. And while sex can be an important and satisfying part of life, there are other things that are just as important and satisfying or more so, even to guys.

Lack of interest in sex is actually very common among both men and women, and this may be related to the complexity and responsibilities of day-to-day living. In his work, Bernie Zilbergeld has found that 30% of men felt, at least at times, that sex was a burden. Yet while we have come to accept that women have a right to say "no" to sex, we sometimes deny men this same right by expecting them to be "sex machines." They're not.

How has this myth about men always wanting sex affected you? How do you feel about it after reading this section? What could you do to reduce this myth's impact on you?

Myth: Very few men are virgins.

Fact: Sometimes guys lie about sex. You probably knew that already, but you may not be aware of just how common it is or how it affects our perceptions of what's really going on.

Myth: Sex requires an erection.

Fact: This is a myth that seems to have become even more ingrained in our culture with the introduction of impotence drugs. The fact is that many men experience a lack of erection from time to time and this doesn't need to be a problem. In fact, being so goal-oriented about sex means that you miss out on a lot of pleasure.

Using your hands, mouth and imagination, there are many things you can do to satisfy a partner and experience sexual pleasure yourself. After all, your skin is your largest sex organ and your mind is the most powerful one.

By the way, putting pressure on yourself to get an erection only makes it less likely that you'll have one.

Remind yourself that the causes of erectile difficulty are not usually medical, but are far more often related to other factors such as:

• fatigue
• preoccupation with other things
• anger
• ill health
• alcohol and other drugs (including prescriptions)
• relationship dissatisfaction
• lack of sufficient stimulation (physical or psychological)
  
  How has this myth about sex requiring an erection affected you? How do you feel about it after reading this sections? What could you do to reduce this myth's impact on you?

Myth: Sex is over when the man comes.

Fact: This need not be the case. The couple may slow down, stop and start again during the process of having sex, taking breaks and communicating about their needs and wants. If one partner is not yet satisfied, sexual activity can continue until both are ready to stop. (See the myth "Sex requires an erection.")

And by the way…

There's not reason why every sexual encounter has to include an orgasm. While we may have heard horror stories about "blue balls" and "lover's nuts," they are not harmful conditions. There may be some discomfort if a man doesn't ejaculate, but it passes. He can still have a pleasurable sexual encounter without orgasm, especially once he gets past adolescence.

Myth: All orgasms are "explosive, mind-blowing, and earth-shattering."

Fact: If you've been living in this culture with its movies and pulp fiction, you may have a very unrealistic idea of what an orgasm is all about. The fact is that orgasms vary in intensity and character. It's perfectly normal for them to feel different from one occasion to the next.

How has this myth about the nature of orgasms affected you? How do you feel about it after reading this section? What could you do to reduce this myth's impact on you?

Myth: Men in relationships don't masturbate.

Fact: This is plainly not true. While masturbation tends to be less frequent among those in relationships, many men and women masturbate when their partner isn't available or just for their own pleasure. Some couples find that masturbating together enhances their level of intimacy. It's a matter of personal preference.

How has this myth about self-pleasuring in relationships affected you? How do you feel about it after reading this section? What could you do to reduce this myth's impact on you?

These are just a few of the myths about male sexuality.