Good celebrity porn is scarce these days. So to kill the time, you can either wait for me to become famous and release my own sex tape that will put Pam and Tom to shame, or you can check out this new link I found - My Heritage. Bookmark it, tag it, spank it like a naughty school girl.

Just click on the link, upload a photo of yourself, and the site will scan its database of famous people and compile for you a list of look-a-likes. Almost forgot, you have to register with the site before you can initiate your own face-scan. Your email address in exchange for endless hours of fun - sounds like a fair trade to me.

I uploaded two pics to see if there was any consistency with the results. See for yourself:

• Photo #1

• Photo #2

George: Yes Lennie, you can pet the rabbit.

Thanks for the link, Bryan, but fresh produce? Is this your way of saying you want to fondle every melon, tomato, and grapefruit on that list? Don't worry, your secret is safe with me - mum's the word, or should I say "firm's" the word?

I have a bone to pick with 4 brand name clothing companies: Lacoste, Le Tigre, American Eagle, and FCUK. Sorry if you were expecting a boneless day.

Let's start with Lacoste since it is the gold standard in terms of ass-kicking polos. Being the polo measuring stick that all other brands aspire to become, these shirts look great and they feel even better. My only complaint is the rather Lacostely price tag. At $92 a croc, these little reptiles can take a large bite out of your wallet. Fortunately, it didn't exactly Lacoste me an arm and a leg, thanks to Ralph and his generous prosperity cheque. Speaking of Ralph Klein, is it just me or does he look a live-action version of Mayor Quimby from the Simpsons? "Erh we're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!" Sorry, I got a little sidetracked there, or should I say mono-derailed instead?

Le Tigre came out in the late '70s as an American alternative to the French Lacoste brand. That's right, an American company. Can someone explain that to me? WTFOMGZZZBBQ! Translation: why would an American company competing with a French company use a French name for its product? That makes about as much sense as letting Michael Jackson teach grade school kids. You want stark contrast? Take out the French name, stitch stars and stripes on the tiger, and maintain a trichromatic red-white-and-blue theme.

On the other claw, you have American Eagle, a brand that competes with the likes of Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch for worldwide suburban-prep appeal. Yet it continues to use the word "American" as part of its brand name. Again, Michael Jackson and school kids. Remove the big A and just go with a simple E. Rename it International Eagle. Call it Nationality Neutral Eagle. Just do something.