Canadian parents face multiple barriers to providing their children with reliable and culturally appropriate sex education, according to newly published research from the University of Alberta.
“My motivation is to deeply understand parents’ experiences and what holds them back, and build a system to empower families rather than just leave them to navigate all these conversations by themselves,” says principal investigator Neelam Punjani, who undertook the research as part of her postdoctoral fellowship and is now an assistant professor in the U of A’s Faculty of Nursing.
Punjani and her team interviewed 30 parents of children from newborn to 18 years old who reported a lack of confidence, training and resources when it comes to talking to their kids about sex.
“All of the parents see sexual education as a critical part of keeping their children safe and healthy,” says Punjani. “The issue wasn’t reluctance, but a lack of support, especially among racialized, immigrant and newcomer families who want to balance cultural values with accurate information. They said, ‘I wish someone had taught me this when I was growing up.’”
Research shows that kids whose parents talk to them about sex are less likely to engage in risky behaviour, are better protected against abuse and are more likely to practise safe sex later in life, she says.
Here are Punjani’s top five tips to guide parents in how to have these crucial conversations.
Start before your child can even talk.
A major concern of the parents surveyed was when and how to start talking about sex with their child. Punjani suggests you start with body awareness, consent and boundaries when your child is still an infant.
“When you are changing their diaper, tell them, ‘This is your penis or this is your vulva and it is your private part, so nobody else can touch it,’” she advises.
Using the proper names for body parts in a matter-of-fact tone takes away some of the shame that can sometimes be conveyed.
“I think the taboo starts from home when parents start hiding things, like when you're telling them not to put their hands in their underwear,” she says. “Just provide a rationale for why you are saying that, such as ‘your hands can get dirty’ or ‘you can do this in a private setting like the bathroom.’”
It’s also important to let children say no to physical contact, even if it means not accepting those big sloppy hugs from an enthusiastic aunt or uncle. It’s not about disrespect for the adults, but empowering the child to set personal boundaries from an early age, Punjani says.
Help them understand respectful relationships.
Punjani advises you also start talking early about what healthy and respectful relationships look like, whether that’s with friends, family members or eventual romantic partners.
“It is so important to talk about and demonstrate kindness, communication and mutual respect,” Punjani says. “It’s also important to let kids know about any kind of red flags in a relationship like pressure, secrecy or manipulation.”
She suggests teaching your child, “If someone pressures you to keep secrets or makes you feel scared, that’s a sign to talk to a trusted adult.”
If you have built that trusting relationship with your children, they will turn to you when they have questions about their bodies, offering the perfect, age-appropriate teaching moment for parents to provide guidance and information.
Prepare them for puberty.
Again, talking about what’s coming before puberty starts will help reduce the shame and anxiety associated with physical and emotional changes. Explain that it’s perfectly normal for everyone to develop at different times.
Growing up in Pakistan, Punjani says she didn’t know anything about puberty herself until she started to menstruate. Her mother gave her a pad and told her not to tell her brother or father, which was hard in a two-bedroom apartment.
Punjani notes that one good reason to opt in to sex ed for your children at school — in addition to having your own conversations with them — is that they will get accurate facts from their teachers, rather than potentially unreliable information from peers or the internet.
This “unspoken curriculum” can be damaging to both physical and mental health, says Punjani, whose doctoral research also included speaking with second-generation Pakistani Canadian teens who opted out of sex ed classes. Some became sexually active or even experienced sexual violence long before their parents were aware of it.
“Parents worry that the sex education classes will take away the innocence of their children and that they are only going to learn about condoms and what kind of contraceptive pills are available, but there are so many things beyond that that are part of sex education, including social, psychological and emotional aspects,” says Punjani.
Be their most accurate source of information.
Whether your kids are signed up for sex ed at school or not, Punjani says parents are essential partners, along with educators and health-care providers, in promoting healthy sexual development in young people.
“You can tell them about how pregnancy happens, what sexually transmitted diseases are, how to protect their health when they get older. These conversations help children feel confident that they can turn to their parents if anything doesn’t seem right,” she says.
Punjani encourages parents to develop their own digital literacy so they can understand the benefits and risks of social media, the internet and AI, and pass along that knowledge to their children.
“The most important thing is letting them know that you, as their parents, are the ones they can always trust and that if anything happens, ‘Come to us, talk to us, and we'll help you figure things out.’”
Be open about identity, diversity and inclusion.
Children benefit from hearing from their parents in a straightforward way that people can have diverse identities, bodies, orientations and families.
For example, on gender identity, she suggests telling your children, “Some people feel like a boy, a girl, both or neither."
On sexual orientation try, “Some people like boys, some like girls, some like both.”
On respecting differences try to emphasize, “We treat everyone with kindness, even if they are different from us.”
“These discussions promote empathy, reduce bullying and help children feel safe being themselves," Punjani says.
Places to turn for help
Punjani’s research program is now focused on providing accessible materials to parents and preventing technology-assisted sexual violence.
She recommends parents check out Alberta Health’s Teaching Sexual Health website and Action Canada for Sexual Health and Rights and its FAQs for parents to find age-appropriate resources about sexuality, from colouring pages to videos.
She’s also produced a couple of videos of her own, posted to YouTube, on how to talk with teens about sexual orientation and gender identity. She suggests watching them with your child and then having a discussion about respecting differences and supporting others.
“Knowledge is power. By having these conversations, you are making your children more powerful,” Punjani says. “They are now more ready to protect their bodies. They are now more ready to be a part of society.”
“It's not taking away their innocence — it’s giving them tools to navigate their life.”
Neelam Punjani is a member of the Women and Children’s Health Research Institute (WCHRI). Her work to help parents and teens talk about sex is supported by the Stollery Children's Hospital Foundation through WCHRI. While doing her PhD research, Punjani received the Izaak Walton Killam Memorial Scholarship, the U of A’s most prestigious graduate student award.
