Getting Over a Relationship

At the beginning of the school year in September, I was bored. A new academic year usually means a lot of socializing, attending university events and casual dating. Unfortunately, with the reality of the world we live in, the beginning of my final year of university was quiet. While I hung out with loved ones here and there, I couldn’t help but feel the lack of new connections I was used to making. So I did what many bored people do: I joined a dating app. 

I’ve been on my fair share of apps, and they almost always ended in disappointment about the dating scene, increased boredom and general wonder why dating apps even exist. However, this was not one of those times. Within a few days of downloading Bumble, I met someone who I actually enjoyed talking to, and before I knew it I was texting them "good morning" and "good night," planning future trips and spending my free time getting to know everything about them. 

While this sounds romantic in theory, I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and definitely didn’t have the time for one. It’s the last year of my undergrad degree, school is busier than ever and I already have time commitments to family and friends. Yet, it only took one date for us to fall straight down the relationship rabbit hole (I blame cuffing season). Everything seemed perfect. They had similar interests to me, kept me away from anxiety over the state of the world and responded to my messages way faster and more engaged than I have ever experienced in a relationship. However, because of the nature of Covid-19, we were overly accessible to each other. Boundaries didn’t exist and I found us falling into enmeshment patterns I know too well. Although that was a big red flag, after a month and our second date, I realized an even bigger issue—we weren’t compatible in person.

One of my biggest takeaways from this was that cultivating a relationship online is very different than in person. While you can be intellectually compatible with someone and connect on a wide variety of topics, there is also the significance of romantic compatibility. For me, the disconnect came in the form of love languages. Picture a relationship with someone who has “words of affirmation” as their primary love language with someone whose love language is “quality time.” While there’s the possibility of recognizing these differences and working to meet each other halfway, these conversations require accountability, trust and patience. It’s easy to get caught up in a relationship when you both are just looking for someone to talk to (and hey, that’s great!) especially if you communicate each other’s needs honestly and effectively. It’s just also important to keep in mind what you want out of the connection and communicate that so everyone is on the same page.

I’m no relationship expert but as I was steadily putting more time and effort into this relationship, there was a voice in the back of my head reminding me that: a) I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and b) we weren’t compatible. And yet, it lasted longer than it should. It took me multiple conversations with myself and close friends to accept that it was not going to work out. Even as I was breaking up with them, I couldn’t help but feel like I was in the process of grieving an online dating relationship. It had been a month of daily messaging, planning adventures and sharing all of our interests. It’s no wonder that I felt the fallout of this exclusive non-relationship-relationship deeply even though we didn’t use labels (I didn’t want to). So without further ado, here are my tips on getting over a fast-paced, emotional online relationship.

Break out that cliche breakup playlist 

You’re going to need to cry it out at least a little. I hate to say it, but you need to feel the sadness that comes with losing that relationship. When it comes down to it, you’re accepting a significant loss of connection. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here right now. So break out that super sappy, cliche heartbreak playlist (you can find mine on Spotify). When listening, don’t forget to actually feel sad. This is all part of the healing process, the first step begins with feeling it.

Do NOT download another dating app/get into another relationship

This is for your own good, I swear. I know you’re probably thinking, “but, I’m too sad. I can’t do this alone. I don’t want to be alone.” All very valid points. But I would know because I did this: after two days of swiping and conversations, I was hit with an overwhelming acceptance that no one could fill the absence I felt. I thought to myself, “but what about your own happiness? Sure, you could get into another relationship or start casually talking to someone else, but you’re ultimately ignoring yourself and whether or not you can be alone.” (Queue the playlist again). If the pandemic has taught us anything positive, I would say that it’s good to learn to be alone. Enjoying your own company is a skill that will help you all your life, so you might as well start learning how to be alone now. It’s not easy, believe me, I know. Just remember you’re doing it for yourself and creating healthy relationships with your loved ones.

Be present

Have you ever thought, “I would love to do X, Y, Z if only I had the time!” Well, it’s finally time! Encouraging yourself to try a new hobby, check out a new art gallery down the corner or plan your dream trip for when life is more stable is everything. Maybe you want to get more involved in your other relationships or the community around you. This could look like saying hello to your neighbours or checking in on that one person you’ve been thinking about. I have spent my time learning new cooking recipes and committing to a workout regimen. There’s something magical about letting yourself just exist within the present moment and live for yourself and the people around you. As the saying goes, “there’s no time like the present”. 

Don’t rush

Sometimes you finish one step and go back to another. Or maybe it takes you months before you can start healing. It’s alright. You don’t have to be Superman and get over your feelings in a specified amount of time. A romantic relationship is not everything—especially when we have a relationship with ourselves, our circles and greater communities. Love is everywhere, and I’m sure that romantic love will be there when you’re ready. I have no idea when I will be ready and I am finding peace in that. Until then, I am dating myself. 

About Rain

Rain is in their fifth and final year of a double major in Political Science and Womens’ and Gender studies. When they aren't writing papers, Rain is trying to keep their plants alive, watching anime or philosophizing why the world is the way it is. Beyond that, Rain is passionate about creating sustainable social justice through their degree and working with their surrounding communities.