When I was a kid, I was terrible at sports. Not just “picked last for the team” terrible. I mean hiding-behind-the-fence-during-gym-class terrible. I would wait for my turn, step up and try to look confident … and then completely miss the ball.
Afterwards, I’d feel strangely numb. At the time, I thought it was because the anxiety was finally wearing off. Looking back now, I think it was something else. I didn’t know it was okay to lose.
Somewhere growing up, we learn to prepare for success, but not how to emotionally survive disappointment. We’re told to study hard, hold our heads high and stay positive. But when the exam goes badly, the opportunity falls through or the news of the world feels heavy, the instructions disappear.
What are you supposed to do?
Smile through it? Shake it off? Buy yourself a sweet treat and call it a day? The truth is, feeling okay when bad things happen isn’t about forcing yourself to feel good. It’s about learning how to move through the feeling without turning it into a personal failure.
Here’s what I remind myself when I experience this:
1) It’s okay not to be okay.
A motto I learned early on through my days with Jack.org (a major Canadian charity dedicated to improving youth mental health) is that it’s okay not to be okay. Rather than jumping straight to the acceptance phase, it’s important we give ourselves room to sit and sort through our feelings. After all, how will we know how to feel better if we don't first understand what’s wrong?
As a kid, I broke my ankle playing basketball at recess (yet another reason why I don’t play sports). Immediately after, several adults rushed over, assuring me that “it’s okay,” even though I felt very not okay.
Naming emotions can be a great way to do this. Even simple phrases like “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel embarrassed after falling in front of everyone” can help us understand what we’re feeling and communicate to ourselves and others what we might need.
2) You don’t have to be alone.
I’ve come to realize that just because I feel isolated doesn’t mean my feelings are isolated. A lot of the stress and uncertainty we experience is shared by others, even if these thoughts aren’t shared aloud. I read a study — or Instagram post — recently that stated 12 minutes of meaningful conversation with a friend or loved one is all it takes to improve one’s mood and reduce stress. These interactions can help validate what we’re feeling, or simply make the moment feel a little bit lighter.
3) Focus on things you can control.
In today’s world, it can often feel like nothing we do is enough. There’s always more to care about and more that feels urgent, but trying to carry everything at once isn’t sustainable. It helps to recognize our own capacity.
As cliche as it sounds, we can’t help someone else with their oxygen mask if we haven’t secured our own. Caring for ourselves might look like going for a walk, setting boundaries with social media or taking time to connect with friends and family.
Choosing to take care of yourself is never a loss.
Join Mahnoor and other students for a Jack Talk discussion , facilitated by Jack.org , about sustaining yourself with acts of self-care on Feb. 25 from 4 - 5 p.m. in 4-02 SUB. This event is part of Actions for Hope, a workshop series in observance of World Day of Social Justice.
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