Ripley + Jones = Love 4ever (Image credit: RV1864 via Flickr, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)
Ah, the cinema. There's nothing like snuggling up with a loved one for a romantic evening spent staring vacantly at a screen. Like Bram Stoker's Dracula (the character from the novel, not the movie), I too enjoy a good film from time to time. Sure, the movies listed here will never be found in the romance section of Netflix, but since when do we let multibillion-dollar corporations tell us how to feel? "If you feel it in your heart, then it's real," is what my doctor told me at my last checkup, and it applies to movies, too. And so, as we celebrate the martyrdom of a saint who was beaten with clubs and then beheaded, I offer you a few films that are sure to put you in a romantic mood. (At least according to what I believe to be romantic.)
Alien (1979)
Ridley Scott's greatest film is a movie where various species and one robot vie for love and affection. A real critique of courtship, Alien shows us that not all hugs are wanted; that when your heart is literally bursting from your chest, that's a bad thing; and that synthetic humans just don't understand romance. In the end, love cannot be captured through brute force or gnashing teeth, it must be cradled and cared for. The lesson from Alien's conclusion is one many of us already know: sometimes true love only exists between a woman and her cat.
Jurassic Park (1993)
I understand that dinosaurs have feathers now, but I don't believe that will diminish one of the greatest computer imagery-enhanced love stories of the '90s: Jurassic Park. It's a movie about a lowly game warden named Robert Muldoon and his love for an unnamed alpha Velociraptor. Muldoon's struggle with workplace bureaucracy is complicated by his fondness for a raptor who is, in his words, still "working things out." Though Muldoon's job is to keep the raptors penned, you can tell by his demeanour that he longs for their release. Finally, when the raptors have escaped their bonds, Muldoon is united with the alpha. "Clever girl," he says, as they finally embrace.
300 (2006)
I have given Frank Miller grief in the past, but you have to hand it to him, the man knows a thing or two about the love that exists among men. We saw it in The Dark Knight Returns as Batman and the Joker sail down the tunnel of love. In 300, adapted for the screen by director Zach Snyder, Miller takes that one step further by amassing a group of 300 well-oiled, muscular, spear-wielding men who enjoy sharing one another's company. King Leonidas and his muscle-y band of men go for a romp up the hillside where they meet all kinds of far-fetched and exotic men from Persia. Yes, tempers flare, but ultimately it is a film about male bonding and male companionship. A modern classic.
Road House (1989)
Yes, there's your standard boy-meets-girl romance in Road House (complete with awkward sex scene), but the real love in this movie exists between a man and his craft. Dalton is what's known in the bar management biz as a "cooler." (Think bouncer but, you know, cooler.) When bars get too nasty and violent they call on Dalton to "cool" the situation. Dalton's dedication and love for the art is unparallelled and he is known throughout America as the best cooler there is. (No joke. That's in the movie). But great knowledge comes with great responsibility. After all, as the Bible tells us (and I'm paraphrasing here): he who cooleth can also maketh hot. Though Dalton handles violent crowds with ease, he faces a constant struggle to manage his own violent tendencies. This includes restraining himself from ripping out the throats of his enemies with his bare hands. Ultimately Dalton can only prevail through moderation; neither too cool nor too hot. Is that not the essence of romance? (Also, Patrick Swayze, amiright?)
Citizen Kane (1941)
Sometimes in life you discover a love that burns so strong and so bright that all other things are but shadows. Such is the masterpiece Citizen Kane. As an adult, Charles Foster Kane built a media empire. He had a family, and when that family died he started another family (kind of). He used his power and influence to shape politics and antagonize nations. He even started a war. But all his success and grandstanding was but a cheap facade for Kane's true passion: tobogganing. Living in a time where tobogganing was deemed a child's activity, Kane was forced to hide his only love. As a grown man, he'd never feel the breeze of a crisp winter's morning brush against his cheeks as his sled careened down the hillside. Kane's final word "rosebud," is a metaphor for his love, born but never blossomed. If you disagree, I'll point out that U.S. President Donald Trump once reviewed this movie and offered Charles Foster Kane this advice: "Get yourself a different woman." So, there are multiple interpretations of the story.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Love sometimes appears in the most unlikely places. Buffy Summers thought she was in love. She lived the typical Valley Girl life of shopping and spending time with her friends and her boyfriend. But all this was just a precursor for something greater, a purer love. She meets a creepy old man who tells her she is, in fact, "the Slayer," a straight-up badass killer who murders undead creatures without mercy. And so, her love affair begins. Yes, Buffy has her dances and kisses with men throughout the movie, but they are passionless and limp compared to her enthusiasm for murdering vampires. As Buffy moves from kill to kill it becomes quite clear that every action sequence is a tango, each kill a climax. And Luke Perry is there, too.
Captain America: Civil War (2016)
It's a bit cliché to tell a love story about parted lovers turned enemies who return to one another decades later, but Civil War does it so well. On one side you have Steve Rogers: Captain America, an all-American kid who got a dose of "super soldier serum" and became a buffed-up hunk worthy of any bedroom poster. On the other side there's Bucky Barnes: the Winter Soldier, Steve's childhood friend who disappeared in the Second World War only to be captured by the Russians, brainwashed to become a government assassin, given a robot arm and entered into a cycle of freezing and thawing as he performs kill after kill throughout the decades. It is more than a half-century later when Bucky and Steve are reunited as foes. Though Bucky's mind is still warped by the Soviets, Steve sees the good in him. When Bucky is framed for a crime he didn't commit, Steve must forsake his new friends and his country to defend his true love. If I were to come up with a portmanteau for this relationship it would be "Stucky," but I'm sure the Internet has already done a better job.
Matt Rea, '13 PhD, taught Alien as a sessional instructor in English at the University of Alberta. When he told his first-year students the movie had deep sexual overtones, they called him a pervert.
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