How can I develop a genuine sense of love towards myself?

Dear Maddi, 

How can I develop a genuine sense of love towards myself and others? My friends have talked about people they have liked or been with and I just wish I could relate. I have had "crushes" in the past, but they were irrational and short lived. It was infatuation that led me to make silly choices to get that person's attention before getting angry and building resentment that they are not who I envisioned in my head. How can I find ways to cope with this sense of incompleteness instead of trying to fill it with trivial infatuations?

Signed, Delusional Romantic

Dear Delusional Romantic,

Before swipe right culture or campus meet-ups enter the picture, it’s worth grounding your personal foundation first. Self-love isn’t just self-care routines or positive affirmations; it involves knowing yourself and having self-compassion. That means treating yourself with kindness and acceptance, even when you are struggling, making mistakes, or feeling insecure. That kind of foundation gives you a more secure internal base to communicate your needs, tolerate conflict, maintain boundaries, and experience intimacy.

Self-compassion is associated with healthier relationships, greater relationship satisfaction and more adaptive relationship behaviours, according to Neff and Beretvas (2013). It is also linked to overall well-being and psychological resilience (Neff and McGehee, 2010).

Get to Know Yourself

I hear that you are feeling incomplete. Consider these ideas to start exploring how to build a stronger relationship with yourself:

• Establish non-negotiable boundaries. Know your limits when it comes to your time, emotional energy, and personal values. When you respect your own boundaries, you naturally teach others how to treat you.
• Build an independent identity. Cultivate interests, hobbies, friendships, and goals that have nothing to do with a romantic partner. A partner should complement your life, not become your entire life.
• Practice emotional self-regulation. Learn to soothe your own anxieties and process your own failures. Relying on a partner to validate your worth creates an unbalanced dynamic built on dependency rather than mutual respect.

Drop the Burden of Expectations

You mentioned resenting people once you realize they don’t fit the idea you had of them. Try to drop the burden of expectations when meeting new people.

When you drop rigid expectations, dating shifts from an interview process to a genuine exploration that will allow you to be more present and grounded. There is a fine line between knowing what you deserve and projecting an ideal onto someone else. High standards focus on character; rigid expectations focus solely on outcomes, which are outside of our control.

Some examples of high standards include:

• Emotional maturity and communication. Look for someone who can express their feelings directly, listen actively without getting defensive, and navigate conflicts calmly.
• Value alignment. Focus on shared core principles such as integrity, work ethic, and personal growth, rather than only focusing on surface level similarities like listening to the same bands or enjoying the same movies.
• Consistency. Pay attention to how their words match their actions over time. Reliable behaviour is a far better indicator of compatibility than initial spark or intense charm.

Observe, don’t project

Let people show you who they are through their actions, rather than filling in the blanks with who you hope they will become. Focus on the present interactions. Ask yourself, “do I enjoy how I feel around this person right now?” rather than “is this person my future spouse?” or “Is this person checking my boxes?” Try to detach from pre-written timelines of when you think specific milestones should happen. Allow connections to unfold naturally or end gracefully, if it isn’t the right fit for you. For more ideas on figuring relationships out, check out past Dear Maddi articles on what makes a relationship healthy and on how to know if a new partner is right for you.

Remember, not everyone experiences romance on the same timeline or in the same way. Until you’re ready, you can be single and alright! Focus first on your experience with deepening genuine, low pressure emotional connections with friends and community to experience true mutual care without romantic stakes.

Final Thoughts

You are not alone in this. So many people are quietly doing this same work. Healthy relationships involve connection, dependence, and vulnerability. Work towards being your authentic self; you are imperfect and vulnerable and worthy of love and belonging (Brown, 2010). By prioritizing self-awareness today, you set the foundation for healthier, expectation-free relationships tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Rajneek Thind, MSW

Written by Rajneek Thind, OAATT therapist at Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese Counselling & Clinical Services Psychologist.

Resources

CCS Workshops: Register for our Workshop series on mood, productivity, balance, and anxiety!

Dear Maddi: How do I know if my new partner is right for me?

Dear Maddi: Can I be single and alright?

Dear Maddi: Relationship check-up: What is healthy?

Video: Why Relationships Require Self Love (The School of Life)

Video: How to be a Friend to Yourself (The School of Life)

Video: How Your Lack of Self-Love Affects your Relationships (Psych2Go)

Podcast: The Happiness Lab Maya Shankar and Dr. Kristin Neff

References

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2013). The Role of Self-compassion in Romantic Relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78–98. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548

Neff, K. D., & McGehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and Psychological Resilience Among Adolescents and Young Adults. Self and Identity, 9(3), 225–240. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860902979307