How do I deal with a crush who’s giving me mixed signals?

Dear Maddi, 

My crush gives me mixed signals in every way possible. How can I stop the emotional over-attachment and texting anxiety—the constant phone checking, analyzing messages, and worrying about being 'left on seen'—that this inconsistency is causing me?

Signed, Confused in Delusion

Dear Confused,

That’s a tricky situation! It’s completely normal and okay to be excited at the prospect of a new relationship. Our brains get flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine, and it’s natural to want to check our phones to see if we’ve received any messages from our crush. However, we don’t want this excitement to take over our lives. Spending time wondering if someone is really interested in us is exhausting, and can even lead us to question our own self-worth. 

Anxiety about “mixed signals” can often stem from our existing patterns of how we connect with others, also known as attachment styles. Understanding your attachment style can help you better understand your experience so it doesn’t control you. Consider the most common attachment styles below and see which one might resonate for you. (If you want more information, check out this article on how your attachment style impacts your relationship.)

• Secure attachment: You are comfortable with closeness, generally trusting of others, and able to confidently communicate your needs.
• Anxious attachment: You are highly attuned to the behaviours of your partner, have a strong fear of rejection, and crave reassurance and closeness.
• Avoidant attachment: You prefer independence over closeness, maintain emotional distance from others, and often avoid intimacy.

Given that you describe yourself as feeling overly attached and analyzing messages, it’s possible you have an anxious attachment style. About 20% of adults have this attachment style so it’s fairly common. People with anxious attachment benefit from relationships with securely attached people (Levine & Keller, 2012). Secure individuals are direct and clear in their communication, so you don’t need to do mental gymnastics to figure out if they actually like you. To learn more, check out our previous Dear Maddi article on knowing if a partner is right for you.

If your crush is displaying mixed signals, it’s possible they have an avoidant attachment style. When things get too intense, they instinctively back up to regain their sense of comfort. A relationship between an anxious person and an avoidant person can often lead to a challenging feedback loop: one person pursues, the other retreats, which only makes the pursuer push harder (Levin & Keller, 2012).

When someone is “hot and cold,” it can keep your nervous system on edge. In these cases, it can help to shift the focus away from them and back to you. Here’s a few strategies that might help:

Reframe how you’re thinking about the “mixed signals.”

When we like someone, we want to believe they like us back. We may try to figure out how to change our behaviours or communicate differently so they will become more consistent. However, inconsistency itself is a signal. 

It will be more helpful to focus on what you can do to increase clarity in the relationship. You can try sending a text like, “I’m really enjoying getting to know you, but the long gaps in communication make it hard for me to keep the momentum going. I’d love to find a more steady rhythm. What do you think?” If they aren’t able to give you what you need, it’s okay to move on and find someone who will. 

Stop your phone from becoming a slot machine. 

Our brains are wired to seek rewards. We actually get hooked the most when rewards are unpredictable and inconsistent. If something is never rewarding, we would walk away. If something is always rewarding, the thrill and excitement disappear. Slot machines pay out just enough to keep you hopeful, so you stay and keep feeding it your time and energy, even though you’re losing money. Similarly, when your crush finally messages you back after days of silence, the intense surge of dopamine feels incredibly rewarding and makes us want to keep pursuing the relationship, even though it’s costing us our peace of mind.

• Rather than checking your phone compulsively to try and get that moment of validation, try muting notifications or specific apps (especially when spending time with others or when you want to be present in the moment). 
• When you feel the urge to check your phone, first set a 15 minute timer and do another task first (putting some laundry in the washing machine, taking a walk around the block, etc.). Often that spike of anxiety will have subsided to a feeling that is much more manageable. 
• Set “office hours” for your phone - decide when you will check your phone, and when you will put it away (e.g., checking only at the beginning of every hour).

Diversify your relationship portfolio

When we’re excited about the potential of a new relationship, we can start to neglect our other connections. It’s important to continue to spend time with friends and family. Nurturing existing relationships can remind us we have people in our lives who care about us. This can help to bolster our sense of self-esteem, rather than relying on our romantic interest for validation of our worth. 

• Try making plans with someone you haven’t seen lately. Pay attention to how easy it is to talk to them. Notice what it feels like when you aren’t feeling anxious or unsure of their intentions. 

Remember that your worth is not determined by how quickly someone texts you back. You are the protagonist of your own life, not a supporting character waiting to be chosen. 

Best of luck!

Brittany

Written by Brittany Budzan, Psychologist at Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese Counselling & Clinical Services’ Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and GPS.

Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online.

Resources

Articles

Anxious Attachment Style: Signs In Adults, How It Develops & How To Cope

Dear Maddi: How do I know if my new partner is right for me?

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

This is Your Brain on Love

References

Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love.TarcherPerigee.