Can I be single and be alright?

Psychologist and guest author Jason Murray answers a student's question about feeling comfortable being single.

Jason Murray - 17 February 2023

Psychologist and guest author Jason Murray answers a student's question about feeling comfortable being single.

Photo by call me hangry on Unsplash.

Dear Maddi,

I have always been comfortable being single, and never really wanted a relationship. I am sort of neutral: it would be nice, but not necessary. Can I live in peace being single, and worry about dating when I am ready, or will I be judged when I am finally ready for a relationship? Being university-aged, it feels like everyone has had at least one past relationship. I think social norms kind of expect someone my age to be dating. I feel pressured, and I don't even know if there are other people out there like me.

Signed, 

Comfortable but Worried

Dear Comfortable but Worried,

Thank you for your letter. It feels like you’re pulled between your own sense of being OK with being single, while at the same time wondering if you are being judged because of social expectations to be in a relationship? It’s true that for some students, university can be a time where they put a lot of energy into socializing and relationships. So it’s understandable that, as you look around and see students who are socially active and dating, you feel that sense of pressure to be like them. Oof. That can hurt.

Having said that, I truly think there are more people feeling like you than you probably realize. Using three examples, let’s talk about relationships, but step away from the “normal social ideals” to see that people vary greatly in their need and desire for romance, sex, relationships, and that there can be reasons why some people start romantic relationships later in life.

First Example: Introverts.

Some folks say that people who are more introverted are likely to be more careful, thoughtful, and patient when finding a partner. Those are admirable qualities! They will wait for someone that really feels like “the right one” to date. As a result of taking their time and being selective, they might come to romantic relationships later in their life. And even when they are in a relationship, an introvert values time alone to recharge their batteries! This article explains more, and it might resonate with you: Psychology Today: 8 Signs You're a Romantic Introvert. Taking your time, and waiting for it to feel right, might just be a little bit of your personality guiding the process. And you are not alone because research shows 30-50% of people are introverts!

Second Example: Desire Isn’t Universal.

Not everyone wants sexual or romantic relationships. For example, there are asexual folks who may experience little to no sexual attraction towards a person, though they may want a romantic relationship with the right person. Some asexual folks may not want either a sexual or romantic relationship, but they deeply cherish friendships! There are many more variations you can read about at the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, as one size does not fit all. The point here is that it isn’t unusual or wrong for someone to not desire a sexual or romantic relationship, if you are asexual or otherwise!

Third Example: Stats!

“Everyone is dating and getting married!” Really? Are they? Sometimes our assumptions about social norms are just plain wrong. A recent survey of students from the UK reported the following results: 43% of undergrads were virgins, and about one-quarter (25%) had not ‘intimately kissed anyone’. Further, 58% said making friends was more important to them than finding sexual partners. Similar findings have been reported in North America too. For example, the National College Health Assessment shows that the trend is for university students to be less sexually active compared to previous years, starting way back in the 1990s! According to Stats Canada data, the average age at which heterosexual couples are getting married is slowly increasing, to about 32-34 years of age. These folks are waiting even longer to tie the knot! Same sex couples get married later in life, on average about 42-44 years of age. So, university students vary widely on their sexual experience and romantic interests, and it is not the case that the vast majority are having relationships, getting married, etc. If anything, students are focussing less on romantic and sexual relationships, like you are!

Comfortable but Worried, despite the social pressure you feel, I hope you listen to your own internal guide and follow what you know and feel is “OK” for you. There isn’t anything wrong with you. There are many university students just like you! When you are ready, and you find the right person, then it will happen!

Written by Jason Murray, guest author for Dear Maddi, director and registered psychologist for Counselling and Clinical Services. 

Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online. 

Additional Resources: