Dear Maddi: How can I say goodbye to an ex who doesn’t care?
Becky Ponting - 25 September 2023
Hear from registered psychologist and guest author Becky Ponting as she answers a student's question on the importance of attachments and how to move on. Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Dear Maddi,
My ex partner left me. And I'm devastated. I love him, and he knows this. I told him everything, he just doesn't care. There were no signs or signals that he was unhappy. He just said that our relationship isn't fun anymore and he got bored. He didn't give me a chance to fix anything, or work on a problem I didn't know existed. He just left. It's hurting because through all of it I can still see our relationship working. When we met up to return things we left at each other's houses it felt so normal to just slip into banter and he just seemed so happy. I'm hurting so viscerally. I don't know how to move on.
Sincerely,
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
I'm so sorry to hear that you have gone through such a sudden and painful break up. It’s usually difficult when a romantic relationship ends, but this sounds particularly challenging because it seemed to come out of nowhere. After a break up, it’s normal to have a lot of distress, particularly when you didn’t initiate the split.
First, some tips for coping with the break up. Part of the reason break ups are so painful is that severing an attachment bond goes against what your emotional brain and nervous system are telling you to do. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of the book Attached, make the point, “The emotional circuits that make up our attachment system evolved to discourage us from being alone.” Don’t feel guilty or embarrassed if you are having a difficult time coping with your relationship ending. The pain is genuine and you don’t need to pretend otherwise. Acknowledge the extent of your hurt, and try to be extra kind and compassionate towards yourself…just like you would if you were dealing with a physical illness or injury. In the early days of your break up, you may find your emotions are all over the place, and eating and sleeping can be temporarily disrupted. This period of acute distress can last as long as two weeks. That being said, it can go on a lot longer if you have ongoing contact with your ex.
It can be tempting to stay connected. Being in the presence of a former romantic partner can temporarily soothe the intense pain we can feel when we’re alone. However, it’s important to remember that this person indicated they no longer want to be in a relationship with you, and it’s better to seek support elsewhere.
It can be helpful to stay with a close friend or family member for a couple of days right after a break up. Self-care such as massages or manicures, light exercise and spending lots of time with people who care about you can all help with your recovery. If sleep is a concern, try to wake up at the same time each day, in order to help your body re-establish equilibrium. If your appetite is affected, it’s important to stay hydrated and treating yourself to some of your favourite foods can be a comforting way of nourishing yourself. Try some activities that you like, such as watching movies, listening to music, crafting or playing a sport. If you find your distress is especially intense, or lasts more than a few weeks, you might consider seeking out some peer support or counselling to help you process what happened and potentially reach some sense of resolution.
Now let’s take a look at the bigger picture. Although I know your ex-partner probably has many good and loveable qualities, your letter also indicates that when it came to remaining attached and committed to you, he fell short. Let’s look at what was missing, in terms of attachment, and then see if there is a way forward.
First, a word about attachment within relationships. Attachment begins in infancy, with the parent-child bond. Healthy parents naturally seek closeness with their infant, and generally work to meet the infant’s physical and emotional needs. For example, when a baby cries, the parent works to soothe the baby by feeding them, encouraging them to sleep, or potentially holding and rocking them. Multiple studies have demonstrated how vital an attachment with a secure caregiver is for optimal development. And it turns out, we never lose that need for connection, even as we grow up.
How does this play out in adulthood? We continue to have the instinct to connect with people and to form lasting bonds. When we are able to do this, there are a lot of benefits. To put it simply, healthy romantic relationships make people stronger! Research shows there are a lot of survival advantages in forming a strong attachment to a few special loving individuals. Even holding your partner’s hand can have a profoundly positive effect. Psychologist Dr. Jim Coan conducted a study in which he told women having an MRI brain scan that they might receive a small electrical shock on their feet. When they heard this, the women’s brains showed an increase of activity in the brain’s stress centre. But by simply holding their partners’ hands, the patients registered less stress. They also experienced less pain when they received a mild shock. The calming effect was significantly stronger in the happiest partnerships, where the women had scored highest on measures of relationship satisfaction.
So how can we find that special person who will help us get through life’s shocks and stresses? We want to look for a partner who has the capacity to meet our biologically-driven needs for closeness, proximity and security. The challenge is, not everyone is well-suited to bonding closely with others. We need to screen out the partners who would push us away and distance themselves from us, and focus our energy and attention on those who are also seeking a close connection.
From your letter, it’s not possible for me to tell whether your ex had a particular attachment style, but it might be useful to consider which of the following characteristics best matches your perception of him. Consider whether any of the following criteria would apply to your ex:
- Sends mixed signals, such as sometimes texting you a lot and sometimes not at all.
- Tells you that they need a lot of space, perhaps even saying from the outset, “I don’t want anything serious right now” or “I dislike labels like boyfriend or girlfriend.”
- Looks down on people they see as “needy.”
- Makes dismissive statements about romantic relationships such as, “Dating is a trap,” or “I find the whole concept of marriage difficult to swallow.”
- Devalues you, even if in a joking way, such as making jokes about you being bad at things or physically unattractive.
- Works to physically or emotionally distance themselves from you. For example, prefers to not spend the night together, makes all their vacation plans alone, or avoids having you meet their family or friends.
- Resists making clear plans about your future as a couple, such as being unwilling to engage in conversations about where the relationship is going.
- Leaves you guessing as to their feelings about you. For example, won’t say “I love you,” despite being together for a year.
If someone exhibits many of these characteristics they tend to have an avoidantattachment style. According to Levine and Heller, avoidant partners are ambivalent about closeness. A part of them seeks it out, while another part of them fears intimacy and wishes to remain detached. When you attempt to get close to someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may feel confused by the mixed messages you are receiving, or feel hurt by the way they seem to subtly or overtly shut you out.
Alternatively, consider the following characteristics of a partner with a secure attachment style, as described by Levine & Heller:
- Consistent and reliable. You can count on them following up with plans you’ve made and they don't go back on their commitments.
- Makes joint decisions with you. They discuss their plans with you and take your preferences into when making a key choice about their current or future plans.
- Flexible view of relationships - open to different arrangements, depending on their partner’s preferences and needs (e.g., joint vs. separate bank accounts).
- Communicates well - they are comfortable with discussions about where the relationship stands. They tell you if something is bothering them, and don’t act out or expect you to read their mind or guess their emotions.
- Comfortable with commitment. They don’t spend a lot of time worrying that you are trying to impinge on their freedom.
- Open to starting a new relationship even when circumstances aren’t ideal, such as when busy with school or work.
- Introduces you to their family and friends relatively early in the relationship.
- Naturally expresses how they feel about you - they don’t leave you guessing or play games.
You can imagine how different it would feel to date a partner with the secure attachment style, in contrast to the avoidant style.
Wondering about your own attachment style? You can complete a validated adult attachment style questionnaire which was created by Dr. Chris Fraley. Knowing your own style can help bring about awareness of what your relationship needs are, which can help you select a partner who has the capacity to meet your needs (and avoid those who can’t).
In terms of moving on, when you feel you are ready, I would encourage you to consider which attachment style would be the best match for you, and look for those characteristics in potential future partners.
It is useful to remember that there are multiple people who would be “right” for you, and in fact the majority of adults have a secure attachment style. Using the abundance philosophy as described by Levine and Heller, I would encourage you to understand that there are many special and amazing individuals out there who would be excellent partners for you. Reminding yourself, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” will help you feel confident discarding early on someone who gives you mixed signals or pushes you away.
Heartbroken, I am wishing you all the best in moving forward from your break up, and in finding someone who will stay by your side for as long as you wish. As psychiatrist David Viscott said, “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” Good luck in your search!
Sincerely,
Becky
P.S. Stay tuned for next month, when I will be answering the issue of how to communicate clearly with your partner in order to find a connection that lasts.
Written by Becky Ponting, guest author for Dear Maddi and registered psychologist for Counselling and Clinical Services and edited by Suman Varghese Counselling and Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and FGSR.
Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online.
References:
Coan, J., Schaefer, H. & Davidson, R. (2006). Lending a hand. Psychological Science, vol. 17, pp. 1-8.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love.
Levine, A. & Heller, R.S.F. (2010). Attached. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love.
Relevant Readings:
After The Break Up: Getting Through the Feelings (Dear Maddi advice column):
Validated adult attachment questionnaire (Fraley, Chris): http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Surviving a Relationship Break Up (CCS handout):
Resources:
Peer Support Centre, University of Alberta:
https://www.su.ualberta.ca/services/psc/
Counselling & Clinical Services, University of Alberta:
https://www.ualberta.ca/current-students/counselling/index.html